SUPERMAN RETURNS a brief synopsis (warning: spoilers)
By Harbourseal
I saw Superman Returns over the weekend & I bet you did too. So here's a quick summary:
After the events of Superman 2, Superman goes back to Krypton to determine if his home planet really blew up, or if Don Corleone was just messing with him from the first movie. Yeah, it's really gone. So he comes home 5 years later in the same spikey-looking spaceship that he was in as an infant. He crashes the damn thing into his adopted mother's cornfield back in Smallville and she doesn't even get mad at him for wrecking the crops. Why does Superman need a spaceship? That makes about as much sense as a dolphin hiring a fishing boat to get food.
Anyway, Lex Luthor is back and is played by Kaiser Sose. He finds some crystals in the Fortress of Solitude and discovers that he can make a new continent with them just by adding water.
Meanwhile, Clark Kent goes back to Metropolis and discovers that Lois Lane is engaged to Cyclops of the XMEN, and has a weird son. She's mad at Superman for just leaving without saying goodbye, doesn't notice his good Christopher Reeve impersonation, then says she doesn't need him. But deep down she still has feelings for Supes, otherwise there wouldn't be much of a movie.
Later on, Kaiser Sose drops one of the Krypton crystals (mixed w/ Kryptonite) into the ocean which creates a new landmass that threatens to turn the entire continental United States into one giant New Jersey. Superman saves Lois Lane, Cyclops, and their weird son, and goes after Kaiser Sose. But since the new New Jersey is filled with Kryptonite, he ends up stumbling around like a drunk and doesn't get much accomplished. After getting stabbed in the right butt cheek with part of a green ice scraper, Superman falls about a thousand feet into the lovely waters of the New Jersey harbor. He was probably better off with the Kryptonite.
While flying away in the same sea plane from the opening scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Lois convinces Cyclops to turn around so they can help Superman. Cyclops says 'no.' Lois says 'please,' then Cyclops says 'ok' because he is whipped and does whatever she tells him. Before long they find Superman splashing around in the water and probably suffering from major shrinkage by now. Lois Lane rescues him, thereby putting Aquaman out of work for good.
After regaining his strength and removing the green ice scraper from his right butt cheek, Superman opens the door and jumps out without remembering to chip in for gas money. Diving into the ocean, he literally lifts the new New Jersey out of the ocean and hurls it into space, which is the proper solution to any problem. Then Superman falls back towards Earth and winds up in the hospital after swallowing the missing puzzle piece.
After a visit from Lois and the Man with the Yellow Hat, Superman escapes from the hospital before he can be billed. Breaking into Lois Lane's house he goes into her weird son's room and watches him sleep for a little while. By now we learn that Lois' kid is actually the son of Superman (remember that back in Superman 2, they got it on under those aluminum foil sheets at the Fortress of Bong-chicka-bawm-bawm). So Superman flies away (again) before Professor X can come over and take his kid to mutant school.
Once the credits roll, everyone in the audience is torn between sticking around to hear John Williams' original score or running to the bathroom because the movie was so freakin' long.
I saw Superman Returns over the weekend & I bet you did too. So here's a quick summary:
After the events of Superman 2, Superman goes back to Krypton to determine if his home planet really blew up, or if Don Corleone was just messing with him from the first movie. Yeah, it's really gone. So he comes home 5 years later in the same spikey-looking spaceship that he was in as an infant. He crashes the damn thing into his adopted mother's cornfield back in Smallville and she doesn't even get mad at him for wrecking the crops. Why does Superman need a spaceship? That makes about as much sense as a dolphin hiring a fishing boat to get food.
Anyway, Lex Luthor is back and is played by Kaiser Sose. He finds some crystals in the Fortress of Solitude and discovers that he can make a new continent with them just by adding water.
Meanwhile, Clark Kent goes back to Metropolis and discovers that Lois Lane is engaged to Cyclops of the XMEN, and has a weird son. She's mad at Superman for just leaving without saying goodbye, doesn't notice his good Christopher Reeve impersonation, then says she doesn't need him. But deep down she still has feelings for Supes, otherwise there wouldn't be much of a movie.
Later on, Kaiser Sose drops one of the Krypton crystals (mixed w/ Kryptonite) into the ocean which creates a new landmass that threatens to turn the entire continental United States into one giant New Jersey. Superman saves Lois Lane, Cyclops, and their weird son, and goes after Kaiser Sose. But since the new New Jersey is filled with Kryptonite, he ends up stumbling around like a drunk and doesn't get much accomplished. After getting stabbed in the right butt cheek with part of a green ice scraper, Superman falls about a thousand feet into the lovely waters of the New Jersey harbor. He was probably better off with the Kryptonite.
While flying away in the same sea plane from the opening scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Lois convinces Cyclops to turn around so they can help Superman. Cyclops says 'no.' Lois says 'please,' then Cyclops says 'ok' because he is whipped and does whatever she tells him. Before long they find Superman splashing around in the water and probably suffering from major shrinkage by now. Lois Lane rescues him, thereby putting Aquaman out of work for good.
After regaining his strength and removing the green ice scraper from his right butt cheek, Superman opens the door and jumps out without remembering to chip in for gas money. Diving into the ocean, he literally lifts the new New Jersey out of the ocean and hurls it into space, which is the proper solution to any problem. Then Superman falls back towards Earth and winds up in the hospital after swallowing the missing puzzle piece.
After a visit from Lois and the Man with the Yellow Hat, Superman escapes from the hospital before he can be billed. Breaking into Lois Lane's house he goes into her weird son's room and watches him sleep for a little while. By now we learn that Lois' kid is actually the son of Superman (remember that back in Superman 2, they got it on under those aluminum foil sheets at the Fortress of Bong-chicka-bawm-bawm). So Superman flies away (again) before Professor X can come over and take his kid to mutant school.
Once the credits roll, everyone in the audience is torn between sticking around to hear John Williams' original score or running to the bathroom because the movie was so freakin' long.
posted by JY at 8:00 AM
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